Rants and Whimsy

Thoughts on Eurovision 2016

May 15, 2016


Last night was Eurovision. It was also the start of my period so I was a big ball of achy death crying on the couch with a hot water bottle and every pillow in the Greater London area. Sorry if you couldn’t find your pillows last night, guys, that was me.

Basically, the only thing I could do with my life was watch Eurovision and whine. That’s what this is. Here are my thoughts on Eurovision 2016 from a pool of pain.

  • It begins with a weird catwalk of nations. lt looks like peekaboo genitals without the actual genitals, just a lot of flesh coloured onsies paired with giant blobby white things. I’m not even raising an eyebrow.
  • I’m actually enjoying the techno in this intro. Maybe this is because I know it’s surely about to get a whole lot worse.
  • Seriously, though, how the fuck did Europe get this reputation for being classy? And how do they keep it? Great mysteries of our time.
  • These hosts. They’re basically Thunderbirds puppets. Without the strings


  • Belgium: The first act. Well… they put a lot of effort into the staging. That’s a lot of lightbulbs. That’s the best we can say. She does have a hint of Carole King about her. In the face, not the music.
  • I’m going to spend half the night wondering if every female performer is also menstruating.  Solidarity with menstruaters.


  • Czech Republic: The song is called “I stand” and the first shot is of her sitting. I feel this may be the ironic highlight.
  • Part way through the song and she still hasn’t explained the standing thing. “I am standing here just because of you, every part of me is a part of you”. Is this about shower sex? Painful, dangerous shower sex, where the glass door breaks and you have to try not to stand in the shards of glass?


  • Netherlands: They’ve gone country and/or western. Just no. We need more bearded ladies, less of this.
  • Oh Christ, he’s got a neck tattoo. He’s smizing. “Slow down if you can’t go on”. Thanks for the weird advice, shiny man.


  • Azerbaijan: They seem to have a long lost Kardashian representing them. I want to curl her eyelashes. Also, hair serum could have helped here. Have yet to notice the song.


  • Hungary: He seems to have forgotten his cough drops. He also can’t afford proper costumes for his back up dancers. Oh Christ, they’re jiggling.
  • Ah, I see. He spent his money on this Tibetan monk on a giant drum. Well, according to Graham Norton that’s a Tibetan monk. “That’s not a Tibetan monk – that’s a ginger” – husband (maybe it’s just the red light, but he has a point)


  • Italy: Blush game: strong.
  • Wait, that’s a giant strawberry on that tree. Strawberries don’t even grow on frigging trees. Husband very upset that Norton isn’t being cynical enough, given the disproportionate fruits running wild here
  • There has been sod all eyeliner and fake lashes in the acts so far and I’m concerned. She is wearing glittery overalls, though. She’s a disco gardener… and she might be offering us a sprouting potato; “We are precious, grazie”. This all makes sense in Eurovision world.


  • Israel: Now this is definitely the South Park emo kid look.
  • “Dance with me like we are made of stars”. What, like big balls of gas? A few stomach troubles for Israel, maybe.


  • Bulgaria: FINALLY SOME FUCKING CAT EYE! She also has an undercut though, so maybe she is just channeling 2009. Sigh.
  • Put her on a runway and she could direct planes landing
  • Is this chorus in English? Because some of this song is. Big discussion. Is she saying “try to be looser?” … “Like me lufter?” Googled it. It’s “О, дай ми любовта” (Oh, give me love). Duh.


  • Sweden: Might just be me, but he looks like the kid from Third Rock From the Sun. And he’s dressed like him too.
  • If I was sorry” well to be fair to him he doesn’t look at all sorry. Maybe he should reconsider that.
  • The lights behind him are glowing “STOP”. They know what’s up. Now “DEVIL” is lighting up. Whoever chose these light up word was prickly as hell. 😏


  • Germany: First laugh out loud moment from Norton, “there’s not a single thing about this woman that doesn’t annoy me”.
  • Oh, she’s a silhouette. Holy fuck, is she Minnie Mouse? No. “Tell me who’s scared now?” Most of the audience, probably
  • This is Harujuku meets German kitsch. You’re just 12 years too late for this to be timely.
  • “This is the ghost of you haunting the ghost of me” – something tells me this all started with a murder suicide pact.


  • France: Tight black trousers, big white shoes. There’s a lot of tight black trousers tonight.
  • He dances by hunching his shoulders and jerking his tits. It’s not entirely unpleasant, just strange.


  • I’m going to overlook the the emo mooching and dodgy moustache coz this mofo met a fucking red squirrel and I respect that. He wins.
  • Christ, mate. You’re not making it easy for me, are you?


  • Australia: No, I still don’t understand why either.
  • This is a tragic techno wedding dress look, but it seems to be popular. Good for you Australia, you know your audience.


  • Cyprus: Well. He’s quite intense isn’t he? Apparently it’s 1984 and techno is masquerading as rock.
  • Now he’s a wolf and the band is  chanelling 80s hair metal while the main guy looks just like your friend’s dodgy dad.


  • Serbia: Morticia meets leather fringing. I’m ok with that.
  • Scary lurker dude wants to hold her hand. She’s having none of it. So he tries to steal a back up dancer. This is how Eurovision tackles the serious issues.


  • Lithuania: He has very strong feelings about his left arm. It’s getting flung every which way.
  • This look is “Blondie emo”. Seriously, has the emo trend only just made it to Europe in the last 12 months?
  • There’s a lot of nose contouring tonight. That’s just occurred to me. Pointy.


  • Croatia: Ok. This is futuristic Robyn in a techno kimono. She’s flapping her arms a lot coz that’s all you can do in this outfit.
  • Husband just called her “an animated stained glass window”. 😂


  • Russia Oh. He’s a shadow puppet.  Husband is very impressed with the staging and getting more impressed as this goes on.
  • I feel he’s got a touch of the Gary Barlows about him.


  • Spain: Glitter basketball jersey is here.
  • She dances like a duck but I like it. Husband chirping along merrily.


  • Latvia: More skinny black jeans and leather jackets.
  • My tits have just started aching and this isn’t helping, at all.
  • “Feeling your heart beat, that’s all I want” Ummmm, what? Does he have a stethoscope? Is he a personal trainer? Is he experimenting with risky recreational drugs and trying to avoid recreating that scene from Pulp Fiction?


  • Ukraine: Graham Norton calls this “a sincere, heartfelt performance”. Husband: “Well, that won’t win”. (LOL!)
  • Well, at least it’s not disco. Husband comparing her to Kate Bush.


  • Malta: Husband is much too involved with this.
  • She has three bumps but I think only one of them is biological .
  • The guy doing the worm in a suit is distracting me.
  • “Feels like I can walk on water”I feel we’ve missed a prime opportunity for a break dancing Jesus.


  • Georgia: It’s Babyshambles meets Robin Hood. That hat… it has a feather
  • Casual Oasis lookalike on guitar
  • I like this. Even in spite of Graham Norton’s hatred


  • Austria: If Avril Lavigne went Disney princess. She has that Sleeping Beauty thing. Without the sleep.
  • She’s way too happy. I think some of that wind machine breeze is going up her dress and caressing her special place.


  • UK: So, who even are these guys?  Oh good, they got the uniform down. Skinny black jeans and leather jacket .
  • It is Coldplay-ish, isn’t it. Ok. Fine. Don’t care if I never hear this again, don’t care if I hear it once every three days for the next seven years.  It’s ambivalence from me.


  • Armenia: She’s doing a slow exaggerated pelvic thrust at us. She’s wearing a cape. I feel like this is my behaviour while wearing a cape, too. Capes change you. I feel pretty positive about this.


  • Right, now we have voting, Justin Timberlake, more shite from the hosts and various video interludes. My favourite is the short film about Swedish music, where I perk up and get very vocally excited abut The Cardigans.
  • Get on with it
  • The Ukraine has won. Clearly, this household knows nothing.









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  • Yesterday was my first Eurovision experience. It was confusing, but also exhilirating, and batshit insane (although apparently not as batshit as it usually is??)

    Erin xx

    • No, it was much tamer than usual. Shame, really.

  • It was way too serious for a Eurovision. Where were the dancing grannies and giant wind-up monkeys? Bring back the cheese we all know and love! I am glad Ukraine won though. My grandad was Ukrainian.

    • I know right, I was there for the cheese.

  • We sat through this yesterday too and I have to admit that I quite liked the Cyprus song ;-).

  • danniellek

    Sooooo many of your thoughts were our thoughts too! I loved Bulgaria, I was rooting for her. I’m glad you cleared up what she was saying 🙂

  • Emily

    Aw I’m sorry you were feeling unwell! But this made me giggle and what a great idea for a blog post! I’m not the biggest fan of eurovision but I love how into it people get!

    Musings & More

    • I’ve tried to get into it since moving to Europe. Still don’t really understand it, but…

  • Hahaha this is hilarious! I didn’t actually watch Eurovision this year but feel I have now 🙂 also, no clue how Europe keeps the classy reputation going, no clue at all… xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua | Food, Travel, Italy

  • I had no idea what Eurovision even was until today. Remember when you proposed a husband-wife Youtube channel? I am 1000% for this idea, especially after reading this. I’d happily listen to the two of you watch ridiculous shit and say hilarious stuff about it. Post highlights include:
    “Thanks for the weird advice, shiny man.”
    “Husband just called her ‘an animated stained glass window'”

    • Haha, I’m kinda doing that right now. Might not be all you envision 😉

  • adales8

    I was disappointed at how tame Eurovision was this year! x

    • Yes. There better be more kitschy madness next year!

  • We had to miss Eurovision as we had guests….this post has made my day!

    • Haha, having guests is just an excuse for Eurovision drinking games 😉