The other day I was lolloping along the street in a somewhat upright position with my husband at my side. A big red double decker bus pulled up beside us. This in itself is not interesting. However, we noticed an ad for a new movie – Earth to Echo – plastered along its side:
This in itself is not very interesting. Until you spot the warning in the small print in the trippy blue horizon loving artwork:
PG | MILD BAD LANGUAGE, THREAT.
Now, I’m no chief censor. I’m not even a movie buff. But what in the name of ever loving fuck in a truck is that supposed to mean? If you see this movie there is a threat of mild bad language? If you see this movie you will feel threatened by how mild the bad language is? If you see this movie you will take note that both the threats and the bad language are mild?
It must be the last one, surely. So what constitutes a heady combination of mildly threatening curses? Well, as we wandered we pondered. Here’s our top ten list of mildly bad languaged threats. Please bear in mind that we have no idea what this movie is actually about and I’m too lazy to Google a trailer. Because that spoils my fun.
TOP TEN MILD BAD LANGUAGE, THREAT
1. Drat, you scallywag! I shall now proceed to tickle you in a way that starts off fun, but soon degrades itself into awkward, stabby poking.
1. Screw you, punk weasel! May your chopsticks for ever more be pre-dipped in wasabi. And if you happen to like wasabi may I point out that I mean a level of wasabi that you are uncomfortable with. I don’t mean this as a time saving device, it’s more of a mild threat.
3. I occasionally fantasize about you finding yourself with an allergy to cats, merely days after forming a special bond with your very own kitty. In fact, I have a team of scientists working on the finer details as we speak.
4. You, sir, look a lot like toast. And I like to eat toast.
5. Let it be known, rapscallion, that if an altercation should arise between us, I am prepared to defend myself with the reasonable force allowable by law.
6. Damn you to hell, snufflerot! Or at least to some place comparable, like a small town in the south of somewhere remote, like New Zealand. Gore. Let’s see how long you last in Gore when your only entertainment is an over sized fiberglass trout, you miscreant! The clue is in the name.
7. I intend to have you followed. Not for the purposes of surveillance, but so that every time you attempt to use a public toilet, there will always be someone in the neighbouring stall. Your days of non-awkward public excretion are over!
8. You smug prick. You just watch as many nasty remarks appear about you in the comments section.
9. I hear you enjoy marshmallow. Well, you gluttonous twat, I have been sabotaging many marshmallows the world over with a good soaking in fishy juices. While this means that for the most part you will still be able to partake in your favourite treat with the same hearty gusto as before, occasionally you will happen upon a contaminated batch, and you shall retch. Then, you shall think of me!
10. I hate you, you bitch faced knave! So I’ve taken the liberty of annoying multiple crows while wearing a mask of your face. As we all know, crows have excellent facial recognition capabilities. Try enjoying a day in the park now, fool.
If I should happen to see this movie and none of the above are mentioned, you can be sure to see my disappointed face. Not that I’m going to see this movie. I have no intention of ever seeing this movie, really. You probably couldn’t even pay me to see this movie.
Ok. I just thought some more about that last point. If indeed you were to pay me to see this movie on a day where I had something else planned but I wasn’t really keen to do it and needed a procrastination task, I would probably see this movie. Aside from that, I’m not seeing this movie. I hope that clears things up for you.
NB. – The term ‘Punk Weasel’ is copyright Tammy Paterson. All rights reserved. All hail Tammy.