Rants and Whimsy

Things you can do in a women’s bathroom

September 11, 2015


Some of you may know that recently I’ve been having a few stomach issues. A food intolerance reared its ugly head and just an overabundance of eating out started to play havoc with my digestive system. So I was told to calm the duck down and stay home for a bit, eating plain food. Boo!

Ergo, I really have cut down on my dining out and fancy foodiness. But all these trips to reasonably public female lavatories have got me thinking about the unwritten code of conduct that the ladies bathroom brings with it. Seriously, it exists. Not everyone follows these rules, to be sure, but I think each of us has this powder room penal code ingrained in us from an early age. To be honest, it’s mostly fucking stupid and I think we should just quit it. It’s like, don’t just be thinking you can wander into a girly restroom and behave like you usually do. Oh no, there’s a whole system of judgement and shame going on here.

Re-glittering your tits Acceptability rating: 100% Really, any kind of makeup application is embraced in the girls toilets. I’d even go as far as to say that the odd stray eyebrow pluck is totally accceptable. Using the hand-dryer as a blow dryer Acceptability rating: 70% A slightly risky move that can result in a funny story to share later if all goes wrong, but good hair is worth the risk. Strutting in the full length mirror Acceptability rating: 85% You go, Glen Coco. You need to strut, just to see how that dress looks when you move. Being fabulous in bathroom is what it’s all about, just don’t hog the mirror. Talking about boys Acceptability rating: 90% Or anyone, really. Just as long as you’re totally sure they’re not hiding in that locked stall at the end... Period paraphernalia Acceptability rating: 60%+ This gets more & more acceptable the older you get (thankfully). But if you spend too long rustling that tampon wrapper we’re all gonna think you’re eating crisps in there. Spraying perfume everywhere Acceptability rating: 40% This is actually annoying as hell. Everyone pretends to be ok with it, because you’re supposedly making it smell nice in here, but I can’t breathe. Stop it. Peeing Acceptability rating: 45% If you must. But do it quietly and daintily. No pissing like a horse. In fact just time it so that someone is washing their hands while you go. Thanks. Pooping Acceptability rating: 0% Jesus Christ in a chocolate fountain just fucking no. What the hell do you think this is? How dare you do something so disgusting in here, you filthy skank! Vomiting Acceptability rating: 5% Sometimes it happens. You know that, I know that. But people will look at you like you’re really, really drunk. Or bulimic. Prepare for the judgement express.

FYI, this is not to be taken as an endorsement of the above system. I very much envy men for their ability to poop openly in poop appropriate places, and frankly if a toilet isn’t a poop appropriate place then what the hell is?! Down with pooping and vomiting guilt, dammit!

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  • If you have short hair, a hand dryer is actually brilliant for a really volumised blow dry! Before mine grew out a bit, I used it in times of desperate need lol xo

    • Oh yeah, it’s probably the only thing those hand dryers are actually good at!

  • You left out taking your drink into the toilets. That happens a lot, I’d give it a 30% acceptability. Because it’s not acceptable, but if you’ve got no one to guard your drink from roofies do it.

    • I totally agree with this!

      • Haha, I have seen girls take entire bottles of wine into the bathroom, along with glasses and stand in there drinking and gossiping XD

    • I probably left that out because I’ve never done it. Ever. I either pee between drinks, or hang out with awesome drink guarders. And I’ve never been much of a clubber…

  • Generalising I know but it’s the fact that none of the men I know would even think to PROCESS any of this in their brains whereas with us, there is so much weighing up and thought that goes into every public toilet decision I find!

    • YES! Men lead much simpler lives when it comes to these things…

  • I love the poo emoji! Also – a uni friend once gave me the best tip ever (this gem of advice is even better than “brown fat looks so much better than white fat”), anyway… “Put your fingers in your ears when you pee – if you can’t hear you tinkle then no one else in those cubicles can hear you… ” I have lived by that rule ever since (as well as always weirdly checking that no one has put glad wrap over the bowl – still scarred from boarding school on that one).

    • Oh wow, that is some very real toilet angst you have there! Haha

  • adales8

    I’ve definitely prayed for the perfect scenario of someone washing their hands so I can pee in peace before…. x

    • Haha, apparently some people turn the tap on before they pee and leave it running so they can pee incognito. Doesn’t really work with those taps that just give you one short burst of water and you have to keep pressing the button…

  • So true about pooing in a public place, why are guys so fine about it but girls aren’t – it’s unfair but one of those things! I’ve only just been fine about pooing at work – the ladies is in a room on its own, with an open window, and air freshener, away from anyone else…more acceptable! However, no way will I ever go anywhere that I think people will hear me! Alice xx


  • “That beard would feel great against my thighs.” I don’t say it out loud, even in the toilets where it’s 90% acceptable, but I definitely think it on the reg.

    • Oh, say it out loud. Scream it from the rooftops. It needs to be said loud and often x

  • Yes to all of these, although if you’re talking night club toilets maybe vomit can go up by a few % 😉

    • Yeah, I don’t really do nightclub toilets. And back when I did there was always a lot of suspicion about how drunk you were 😉

  • Amy

    You forgot another one that gets on everyone’s nerves: Taking selfies!

    • That kind of ties in with strutting in the mirror. Never gets on my nerves. I think people should take as many selfies as possible. Sometimes you just look fab and you need to share that with your WhatsApp squad 😉

  • I LOVE Japan because they play music in public loos so no one can hear a thing…!

    • Oh god… is the music better than what you would be hearing otherwise?

  • Tahira

    I actually laughed out loud at this!!! So funny but yet so true. You totally forgot how acceptable it is for people re-doing their make-up in the mirror but taking up valuable sink space so you can’t wash your hands & then you end up apologising to them! (especially if you’re like me and accidently splash them…)

    Tahira | http://ramblingsofafoodaddict.com/

    • Haha, splashing mirror hoggers is all good 😉

  • You forgot the how many people can you fit in one rule or those who leave the door open chatting to their friends. I have never understood how people can poop in public but maybe that’s just me Lucy x

    • Haha, I’ve only ever shared a stall with someone when it’s been one of those dodgy nightclub toilets that doesn’t lock properly…

  • As someone with IBD I will poop practically anywhere these days and if it’s noisy I just don’t give a fuck anymore. Some of my best poos have been in public toilets! x

    • I’m glad that you feel themayfairy.com is a safe space to share XD haha

      • I wouldn’t share my poo just anywhere y’know! x

  • This got me thinking, how would one blow dry their hair with those new Dyson hand driers? Or the rubbish ones that just pathetically pffftt a little warm air your way? Also…no food or drink to be taken into the toilets. And texting whilst on the loo?…we know you love that! Hahah.

    • Those Dyson ones are fun because you get to watch the skin on your hands being pushed around creepily 😉

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  • Crying over here.