Rants and Whimsy

October 2015 Horoscopes

October 5, 2015

Print

Thank god September is over. We made it through, guys. However, October could be even worse. I’m already several days late with this so there’s a definite risk of that being the case. There’s only one way to find out. That’s by reading these here horoscopes. Coz who has 30 odd days to waste seeing what eventuates? Read now, then snooze on through the month waking occasionally for wine and cheesy puffs. Now, that sounds like a plan.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
You can only find one glove. You either have to buy a new pair for winter or start practicing your Michael Jackson Shamon! skills now.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will use shampoo that is very, very frothy. You will pile it up on top of your head and make the most impressive bubbletastic creation of the 21st century. Catching a glimpse of this in the mirror you will be forced to run from the bathroom to retrieve your phone and take a selfie. Just know that your Instagram feed will never be the same again.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will spend too long pondering this very important question: If your watch was edible, how long would you last before you ate it?

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You will name your individual knives and forks. Sometimes you just need someone special to talk to during dinner. Cuthbert has it in for you, just so you know. That’s never a good thing when we’re talking about a knife.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will befriend a duck. The duck will laugh at you. Listen to the quacks. That’s duck laughter, right there. I think it’s coz the duck can see your nipples through your shirt.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will send at least seven hours straight watching reruns of a television show you don’t even like. That’s where your time goes.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will discover that looking at your armpits really, really, really close up is quite a bad idea. The crazy colours, the follicles, the deoderant remnants, the nacho corn chip scraps that you didn’t realise were hiding there but know you have to re-evaluate everything… it’s going to be a journey of self discovery.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your favourite knickers develop a hole in the crotch. Do you sew it up? Do you realise that’s just a little sad and throw them out? But what about the memories? WHAT ABOUT THE MEMORIES. (Truth be known, you have them framed. I just don’t think you’re ready to hear that just yet).

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will drink cucumber water at least 23 times and that’s a lot for one month. Your skin will take on a slightly green hue but you will think many a positive thought about penises.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You discover that you can purr like a cat. Exactly like a cat. It’s uncanny. You shall spend a ridiculous amount of time in Starbucks hiding behind couches and what not, purring loudly just to mess with people. They will be very disappointed when they realise there’s no cat. Prepare yourself for that. Backlash can be nasty.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will get makeup on something that’s really, really white and you will feel bad. Pillows, blankets, shirts, white cats, none are safe from your mascara.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will be attacked by laundry falling off a clothes line. This is why people started using clothes dryers all the time. Laundry is dangerous.

You Might Also Like

  • Thank you very much – I will go mascara less for all of October – watch out kids, according to this Aquarius it’s Halloween every day this month! Watch out for the no make-up blonde monster!! She doesn’t have the flu, she’s just put down her Mabelline.

    • Oh, it’s not worth going mascaraless! I just can’t live without mascara 😉

  • adales8

    If my watch was edible it would definitely be gone by the end of the day! x

    • Screw intricate mechanics and gastronomic feats of excellence. Get in my belly.

  • Oh yeah can’t wait for my 7 hours of tv reruns I wonder what crap show it will be LOL!

    Serene | I Am Serene L

  • I’ll just politely threaten to “sharpen” Cuthbert down to a nub if he gets any ideas…

  • I am excited to learn of my talent to purr… though I really hate cats, I do really like messing with people’s minds!

    • You’re gonna be great. Just don’t start wearing a collar.

      • Duly noted. *quickly stuffs recently purchased collar behind the couch…

  • Looking forward to bubbletastic creations, watch out Instagram for my talent Lucy X