Joy and Gluttony

My Creme Egg Epiphany

February 25, 2015

Creme Egg

I’ve always been a lover of chocolate. In fact, ‘lover’ is not a strong enough term. Chocolate has been my sweetheart, my darling, my infatuate and at times my paramour. I ate as much chocolate as I could get my sticky little hands on as a child and this habit is one that remains in my adult meanderings. I’ve grown up with Cadbury’s, Nestle and Whittaker’s being familiar chums of mine, always there with a delicious comfort in times of need.

What was my favourite chocolate treat? The Cadbury’s Creme egg, of course. But not the imposter egg you get today. The New Zealand Creme egg from my childhood was quite a different beast. I have no idea what you were eating in the UK at the time, but when I was a kid growing up in ‘not quite penguinville south of the equator’ the eggs were far more ‘liquid’ inside and had a separate, distinct yellow part for the yolk.

When I say liquid I’m not joking. It was in no way watery, but you had to strategically plan how to crack open your egg, coz the inside was so runny that you risked spilling it everywhere if you fucked up the cracking and dismantled a side. Definitely not like the thick fondant stuff of today where you can dangle the fucking egg upside down for a day or two and nothing will ooze out. Maybe it’ll bulge a little. Whatever; what I’m saying is: they were runnier and they were better.

What does this matter? Well, not just the youth of today, but many future generations as well will not realise what the fuck we were on about when we sang the praises of the creme egg. They’ll look at the weird modern contortion of the egg we loved and think, “these pricks didn’t know good sweets,” but they won’t be looking at the same thing.

As I was going over this salient point in my head, it suddenly occurred to me; how many other products has this happened to? How many others have been subtly ruined one small change at a time, as the travesty of ever increasing mass production marches on, until now they’re completely different to the thing we originally thought they were, and the people who like them are now only liking them for nostalgia’s sake?

For example, I always thought old people were mental for liking toffees and boiled sweets. What the fuck are they even about? Lots of sucking, very little excitement, usually very placidly flavoured. Blah is the word. They’re all blah. If you’re lucky you might loose a filling and have a story to tell the postman when he comes. However, maybe in the days of independent sweet shops, these were fucking spectacular. These sweets could have been the kind of amazing that convinces you to rob your own grandmother and the local orphanage for spare change in order to buy a bag. Maybe they were so good they were the beginnings of teenage delinquentism. Who bloody knows.

What I do know is that my father knew a kid his age who had all his teeth out as a teenager because they had rotted away in his skull from too much sugar overload. I know that sweets were good in my childhood, but not so good that I knew anyone willing to eat so many their frigging adult teeth fell out before their wisdom teeth even had a chance to make an entrance. Maybe sweets of that calibre are now gone forever. Maybe we’re slowly exiting the golden era of chocolate and sweeties. Maybe it’s all down hill from here, folks.

Jesus fucking wept. And by Jesus, I mean me. (Except for my teeth.)

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  • I feel the same way…about Marmite. What has happened to it? Last time I bought a jar it was salty with a deep flavour only I could understand. Now it tastes like a watered down version. I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out Tropicana ‘Ruby’ Breakfast Juice was orange with bits.

    • What are they doing to our favourite foods?! Stop the madness! (Just as an FYI, I’ve never had British marmite. Only the NZ version).

  • I don’t remember creme eggs being runny, but I swear Starburst had nicer flavours when they were still Opal Fruits.

    • It’s so hard to remember exactly, but the yolk was brighter yellow, unlike the blob of orange that just blends into the fondant today, and while it might not have been pure ‘liquid’ per se, I definitely recall having some trouble with spillage! Going to update that liquid thing for clarity!

      • I remember that as well! They were amazing! Granted I still enjoy them now. I guess I thought I always liked them more when I was younger because everything seemed amazing when I was younger.

        • I know what you mean, but no. They’ve destroyed our cherished egg of yesteryear bit by bit. Either that or customer focus groups requested the filling be thicker so they could stop spilling them all over themselves!

  • adales8

    I always thought boiled sweet were gross and no one in their right mind would waste time eating them, but you’ve presented a very valid argument here! x

    • Yes. What is the point? Unless you’re trying to pop your ears on a plane, and even then BLAH! I’ve felt so strongly about this that once I almost made an arse of myself on Twitter with a cholera/boiled sweet mix up fandangle, but that’s a whooooole other story…

  • There used to be an advert about how you eat your creme egg according to you star sign, as a scorpio I like to bite right into my, apparently! Actr5

    • Oh god yes! I think I remember that one! I don’t think biting right into it is as bigger deal with today’s eggs as it used to be… not nearly oozy enough!

  • Sorry keyboard error at the end!

    • Haha, understood. I had two theories as to what was happening there:
      1. You are really some sort of super blogging cyborg sent from planet Blog to show us all how blogging is supposed to be
      2. You really wanted to tell us about Actin-related protein 5.
      I’m glad I can put my mind at ease now. 😀

  • “And by Jesus, I mean me.” Hahahaha. Best ever. When I think about changes in my childhood favorites, I can only come up with improvements, like the current version of Now and Laterz that don’t rip your teeth out of your skull. I was definitely on track to be the kid your dad knew lol

    • Had to look up what Now and Laterz where. Still not entirely sure. I’m guessing quite chewy from your description? Fruity?

      • Yeah. They’re a taffy that came in squares (like slightly larger and flatter Starbursts) and started out as hard as bricks. You had to work your jaw like crazy to soften them up back in the day. Now they’re actually manageable. I’m not sorry about that change.

        • I wonder if they used to get a lot of teeth mailed to them. Kudos to you for keeping on trying to eat them, despite the apparent danger…

  • LondonKiwiEmma

    I still strategically eat crème eggs, even though I have the same metaphysical adaptation issues as you.
    I also now want a proper crème egg… damn you, damn you.

    • “I have the same metaphysical adaption issues as you”.
      This. This sentence is gold. I always knew I had a problem, but couldn’t give it a name until you came along. Thank you 😀

  • Gabrielle

    As I was reading the line ‘I’ve always been a lover of chocolate’, I was finishing the last bite of a chocolate cupcake, before taking a sip from my hot chocolate. It seems we’re quite similar! I can’t remember creme eggs being very runny, but then again I DO remember spilling some down my front and you couldn’t do that with the modern creme egg!

    Gabrielle | A Glass Of Ice

    x

    • Chocolate is pretty much a religion at this point. Also, I think changing them a little bit at a time is how they’ve managed to pull off this heist.

      I used to chisel away at the top of the egg with my tooth until it was weak enough to break into, lest once big chomp cave half the egg in and result in sticky spillage of the precious nectar.

  • I’ve got to say I’ve never been a fan cadburys egg !! They’re so…. sweet !! That doesn’t mean if you gave me one I wouldn’t eat it. I think my favourite is the Time Out. But I’d go for anything with cadbury’s chocolate on it !!

    • You know, I think they used to be sweeter. I remember it being more of an achievement to finish one, and impossible to eat multiples in one sitting. Now I’m pretty sure I could easily do multiples. Maybe I’ve just built up a resistance 😉

  • The creme eggs have gone completely down hill this year – they don’t use Dairy Milk anymore, just some plasticky American chocolate now!

    http://www.theguardian.com/business/2015/jan/12/shellshock-cadbury-comes-clean-on-creme-egg-chocolate-change

    • Yes! I saw that outrage. Why can’t they just leave well enough alone?!

  • I love a bit of chocolate, I have no clue whether I they were runny! I am not an egg person and what put me off the creme egg is that it resembled a real egg in it’s shape hehe! I was probably more a snickers bar kind of girl hehe

    Serene xoxo

    http://www.imserenel.wordpress.com

    • I don’t like ‘real’ eggs either. I liked to think of Creme Eggs as an improvement on nature 😉

      • Hehehe, do you reckon I should give a creme egg a go :p?

        • Yes. They’re not like they were, but I still eat them. Also, you can make the most amazing cupcakes using them!

          • Ohhh, you should post a recipe for that 🙂 x

  • Cream eggs did used to be runny and now they are a congealed mass of sweet sugar. Favouirte sweats used to be humbugs with chocolate in them Lucy x

    • Thank you for backing me up! I don’t know if I remember chocolate humbugs… sounds interesting!