Rants and Whimsy

March 2014 Horoscopes

March 3, 2014

It’s that time of the month again. No, not that time. Horoscope time. You need to know what’s going down in the month of March, and I have this nifty ability to see the future. That’s why we work, you and I. Remember to practice your surprised face in the mirror, because nobody likes a know-it-all-noddy, especially one who has been given an unfair advantage in life with the help of eerily correct monthly horoscopes. Play nice, people.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your hair will develop one of those really weird curls when viewed from behind, like you’ve tonged it from an awkward angle. Feeling confused because your hair is poker straight? I never said it had to be the hair on your head.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will be easily angered this month, especially by fruits that are red. Should a basket of tomatoes find its way into your place of work it’s inevitable that Derek in accounts will end up wearing it. Avoid this at all costs – it’s much better for your future self if you attack Suzy on reception with a punnet of cherries.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will fall in love with two shades of lipstick. One makes you irresistible to almost anyone with a pulse and a sex drive. The other reacts oddly with outside air and makes it look like you’ve been huffing various solvents. Try and figure out which is which by the 7th at latest.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You will track sand into the house and attempt to blame it on the dog. No one will believe you, but it’s about time that dog was brought down a peg or two anyway.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
It’s well known that you take a lot of pride in your ability to sleep almost anywhere at anytime. That goes to hell this month when the National Choir of Noisy Cats has its nightly practice session outside your bedroom window. You are best just to join in.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
We all know that wearing white increases your chances of spilling food on yourself by 73%. While you will endeavour to be impeccably careful, a liquid filled bubble gum will take you by surprise and the sickly sweet strawberry centre will squirt everywhere.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
Upon visiting a restaurant you will take your sweet time when weighing up whether to go with the tried and true chocolate fudge cake dessert, or to branch out and try some intriguing parsnip cake. While you deliberate both desserts will sell out, leaving you with the last remaining option: fruit salad. Don’t feel bad about consequently breaking down and sobbing loudly in public. It’s only natural.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will have an epic battle with the some sort of critter from hell that lives in your lavatory. It only shows itself once you start peeing, so you really need to work on your Kegel exercises to ensure that you have full control when the need arises.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It was one thing when people jokingly said that you eat like a horse. There’s really no need for you to actually strap on a feed bag. It will mess up your hair.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
So, some people think that you remind them of the devil. Is it really that bad? You have two options here. 1) Take it as a sign to wear more red, or 2) Eat their souls. We all know that you’ll opt for the latter, but if you’re wise you’ll stock up on chilli sauce now. Souls can be surprisingly bland when devoured in bulk.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will constantly need to pee, throughout the whole of March. The feeling is inescapable. Avoid places with water features. If you must go someplace with a water feature, don’t wear your suede shoes.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The octopus is not your friend. Please try and understand this now, before he wraps his slimy limbs around your head and gyrates on your face. If you don’t, you’ll be greeting April with a stonking new nickname and a lot of untagging to do on Facebook.

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  • This post makes me smile, for an odd reason… I have a friend who passed away suddenly, today marks the 7th anniversary of her death – but she used to write cryptic and hilarious horoscopes like this, and you just reminded me of her 🙂

    • Thanks. I want to ask if she predicted her own death but that would be insensitive and awful. I’ll skulk off and be awful elsewhere now…

      • Yeah, just a little. At the moment I’m just disappointed I didn’t win the darts competition at the local pub last month.