Rants and Whimsy

Lesbian Pirates will eat your soul: a history PART THREE

August 26, 2015

The-Mayfairy-Pirates-01

The third and final installment, highlighting Anne Bonny and Mary Read’s adventures together.

Fun pirate frolicking on the boat didn’t last forever, though. Anne was at some point kidnapped by her estranged husband, James Bonny. He stripped her naked, tied her up and presented her to the Governor like the treacherous scallywag he was. This wasn’t some kinky sex thing, he was claiming his property. As in wife=property. He was after “divorce by sale” meaning he could sell his woman to someone else and take off with all the moneys. This however, depended on there being a willing buyer.

Anne was fucking livid. She was not being sold like a fucking animal and she was shouty as hell about his whole thing. No one dared buy her, she was terrifying. James himself fled the scene in terror. Anne was so mad at this point she got it into her head to shoot the fucking Governor, but Mary came to the rescue, pointing out that this wasn’t necessarily the best course of action. Instead they took off after James and chased his bitch ass away. He did eventually get away in the end, but not before they had burnt the fuck out of everything he knew and loved. Maybe even more turtles. Who knows?

Anne and Mary became known as the “Fierce Hell Cats” which sound like a fucking fantastic name for a brand of lingerie. I would wear that all day everyday. Totally ruthless, totally bloodthirsty, just don’t mess with these bitches. Really, these two ladies spent their lives making that chick from Kill Bill look like a delight from a tea party.

Calico Jack however, was becoming insanely jealous of this “Mark” character because Anne was obsessed with him. Add to the fact that he was routinely sharing Anne’s cabin, which was supposed to be his cabin and you can see why it stung a little. He decided to retaliate by slitting Mark’s throat. Bursting into his cabin unannounced one day Jack found Anne and Mary together, doing all kinds of fun naked activity that clearly indicated that both were of the feminine persuasion. Well, that’s all right then. Our friend Jack wasn’t one to interfere with a double furry cup sup.

They all eventually ended up in Jamaica, celebrating victories, drinking rum and partying as if the year was indeed 1999. Many prophesized that would be a particularly good year for shindigging.  A British Navy ship floating past was not so jovial, however,  and ambushed the party.  All the men on board were terrified and took to hiding below deck. Ann and Mary were the only crew brave (or mad) enough to stay above board defending their ship. The yelled at the coward pirate fucks to fight like men. The men hid like idiots instead. So these bitches dragged their sorry arses upstairs and forced the pricks to fight. This whole process killed one male and wounded several others but I think it made a point.

Of course, both chicks were eventually overwhelmed and taken in by the British Navy. Notice I fucking said EVENTUALLY.  They went down clawing like wild cats on a crack binge. It took an hour at least before they were taken to somewhere official in Jamaica to stand trial.

Jack and his lads were tried in 16 November 1720 and sentenced to hang. Anne went to to say goodbye to him in his prison cell. What did she say? “Had you fought like a man, you need not have been hanged like a dog”. Damn straight sister. Don’t let them get away with shit.

A week after that weed was hanged the girls were tried. There were found guilty but the  judge wanted to hear what they had to say. Man knew a chick with a story when he saw one. They pleaded “with their bellies”. Both were pregnant as fuck. As absolute fuck. When was the last time you were fucking pregnant whilst simultaneously being a total fucking badass and fighting the British fucking navy like a boss? Exactly. These bitches were bad. I’ll even forgive the pregnant drinking on account of the fact that this was 1720 and bitches didn’t know shit about fetal alcohol syndrome back then and the water was probably nasty and diseased anyhow.

Now, pleading with your chubby guts was a common thing among female criminals, as British law was all about not killing the unborn child back then, so it meant they couldn’t be hanged. Not straight away at least. This has caused some historians to question if they were actually pregnant.  But they were quite sexually adventurous, so I’d say it’s possible.

Well, if they weren’t it doesn’t seem that anyone actually got around to hanging them at all. Bureaucracy and shizz getting in the way probably.

One story says Mary died of a violent fever in jail before giving birth. One story says she faked her own death and snuck out of prison.

There’s also no record of Anne’s execution. Some suggest Anne’s father bought her release and she took her child and lived on a small Caribbean island. Others she went to, bought a tavern and drank and told the fucking best stories all night.

Yet another story has Anne and Mary meeting up in Louisiana, raising their kids together and having a merry old time. This one is probably too fairy tale for my liking.

Who the fuck knows. All I’m saying was that these bitches were awesome.

I learnt about the Lesbian Pirates during a Pirates of Wapping walking tour, by Best LDN Walks. I walked free as part of a blogger tour. They do tons of other cool walks as well, such as the haunted pub tour and naughty London tours. BYO Mean Girls jokes.

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  • The conclusion to this story is women are awesome. Especially pirates.

    • I probably wouldn’t like them if I met them in person. But from the safety of 300 years I think they kick arse.

  • Sam

    Loved these posts! I had a fab history teacher, that was as awesome at story telling as you are – minus the swearing of course (this was school after all!) You should think about a change in vocation! 🙂

    • Hahaha, I think I’m addicted to the swearing 😉