Rants and Whimsy

July Horoscopes 2016

June 30, 2016

Ok so the entire fucking world fell apart this fortnight. Like, all of it. Not just talking politics here, everything else took a tumble down shit mountain on a luge made of pointy cactus as well.

If re-incarnation is ever proved to be real I must have done something rather salty last life and I’d prefer not to find out what it is.

First, my external hard drive died. The one with everything on it. Photographs. Client work. Fonts. The whole shebang. I managed to save some of it. However, while fighting that fire my MacBook worked itself up into a jealous rage and let its internal hard drive have a fucking meltdown because it is apparently an attention seeking dick. It was all LOOK YOU CAN’T ACCESS ME NOW EITHER, POKE AROUND IN MY INNER MOST WORKINGS AND GIVE ME THE NEW INSTALLATIONS YOU HOLD OUT BITCH I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE HERE.

So basically, no blogging for me because blogging is a computer based sport and fuck you if you think I’m gonna use my phone for that shit. I’m not fucking 20 any more and I’m not doing shit on my phone. Also, my phone is a rather more senior specimen from a bygone era – where you have Twitter app I have “Dinosaur Alert Safety App”, where you have iTorch my phone just bursts into flames. It really can’t do shit apart from those two things so even if I wanted to be cool and blog on my phone it would just die on me and then we’d all get eaten by a velociraptor.

I’m supposed to be predicting the future, not bitching about my life. Oops.

March 21 – April 19
You will drink a mug full of gravy thinking it is coffee. Ok, you probably won’t drink the whole lot and will catch on after the first sip but you still chug gravy. Maybe carry a lamb chop around with you everywhere so you can somewhat enjoy this experience, I don’t know.

April 20 – May 20
You will join a political party and then go out and protest something. It will be one of those protests where lots of people get naked and your mum will see your tits on the news.

May 21 – June 21
You will change your TV settings into Russian or Greek or Chinese. Basically, some language that doesn’t look at all like English and is hard to change back. This will not annoy you on the day to day, but at certain junctures when shit needs doing this will mess up your life.

June 22 – July 22
You will find a hair in a weird place that’s longer than the hairs you expected to find in that place and you will be strangely proud of the wee fella. He’s a survivor, he’s not gonna give up, not gonna stop, he’s gonna work harder. Once you’ve killed 5 hours watching old Destiny’s Child videos you’ll probably just pluck it because what business does that bitch have growing on you anyways.

July 23 – August 22
You will use men’s deodorant in your left armpit and women’s stuff in the right as an experiment into the difference between men’s and women’s products and if you’ve been wasting money all this time. However you basically keep accidentally arousing yourself as your nose tells you that there’s someone hot around but it’s actually just your armpit tricking you. It’s a frustrating month.

August 23 – September 22
You will cry and someone will make a clay sculpture of you crying. It kind of looks like Cher but you don’t know if that was intentional or not and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. You don’t really look like Cher though so it’s kind of annoying. Can’t people just give you a hug?!

September 23 – October 22
You get some knotty hair around the nape of your neck. That stuff that is really frigging enraging when you tug it with your hair brush. Your anger about this will lead you to yell at a fox.

October 23 – November 21
You will get a weird email and you are 70% sure it’s spam but 30% intrigued. This is how you meet your Nigerian crew.

November 22 – December 21
You will start a new make up trend that involves eyeshadow in places that aren’t eyes. Chins and stuff. Get on YouTube with your green sparkly chinned self.

December 22 – January 19
You will wear the wrong bra on the 12th and spend most of that day with a protective arm across your chest. You will buy a new bra a couple of days later and it will change your life by making everything far pointier than you thought it ever could be.

January 20 – February 18
You will get the time wrong. Always. Forever. Constantly. If other people can be gender fluid you can definitely be time fluid. It’s how you operate and if everyone else could just accept that life would work out.

February 19 – March 20
Summertime tweed becomes an obsession. You will make it work.

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  • sorry for your computer:( I don’t think I’m going to sport any sorts of an eye-shadow, not even one the chin:)))

    • It’s a long month. Eyeshadow can happen 😉

  • My cousin drank a glass of gravy ON PURPOSE, and she’s not even Aries.

  • adales8

    Ugh. So sorry to hear about all your technical disasters lately!

    • I think I almost have it sorted out now. ALMOST.

  • Tammy

    So annoying about your computer!

    I think I might actually try the deodorant thing. Your fortune telling skills are pretty bang on. Hopefully there will be someone hot around me though. Like Tarzan.

    • Haha TimTam. Good luck with the armpit experiments x

  • Ooofff!!!
    Hard drive meltdowns are the fucking WORRRRRSTTTTTTTTT!!!
    My HEART literally went out to you when you said you MacBook threw a shit fit too, ughhh!!

    I wonder what it took for you to be back online and if you feel at all violated by the absence of your work. I know I did.
    I wanted to go on a psychotic killing spree, targeting only the stores who have the NERVE to brand themselves as fixers.
    These false advertising quacks, calling themselves, ‘computer recovery’ and ‘neverlost’.
    As you can see I see I’m still sore that I never got my data back, even though their sign promisedddd.

    Happy to see you back in the game my little boo thang! <3

    • OH, I’VE BEEN THERE WITH THE PROMISES. I did most of it myself with my friend Mr Google and borrowed a friend’s computer and got back 95% of what I had. Well, I think I did. Basically, I assume if I can’t remember it to know it’s gone I probably didn’t need it in the first place.

      Did you start up disk go, or did the whole thing shit itself?

      • The WHOLE thing shit the bed.
        And all I could do was go into cardiac arrest over and over and over

        • Christ. I’m sorry. You could always tell the Feds someone notorious downloaded some illegal pics on there. I’m sure they’d magically be able to recover everything if they had the right incentive!

  • Shikha (whywasteannualleave)

    Gosh seriously, if there was some way I could blog without actually using a computer, I would leap at the chance. I feel so bad for you because it’s utter crap when they fudge you up like this. I know it’s not even remotely the same (because well mine was totally self inflicted thanks to being ridiculously and unforgivably careless) but when I left my camera on the train having not uploaded any of the pics from such a really amazing trip (such a clever girl I am), I was gutted. And that was my fault so I really feel for you when the hard drive issue was totally out of your control. I would offer you my help except I have seen 3 year olds with better IT skills than I have. So instead, I’m sending you virtual hugs 🙂

    • Leaving a camera on a train would HAUNT me for years. Well it’s not technically my ‘fault’ I’ve been told countless times that I should have backed everything up. Thanks for the hot tip, guys XD

  • thanks for that !

  • Green chins you say? *Contemplates starting a vlog*

    I’m so sorry it’s been so shit recently.


  • Sorry your electronics decided to be spiteful jerkfaces. It’s probably a good thing you don’t have a “smart” phone — no risk of it growing too smart and electrocuting you in your sleep after receiving instruction from the A.I. hive queen.

    There’s no way an abnormally long hair will survive on my body for even 1 minute. I have no respect for its length or resilience; too-long body hair must die. Or at least be cut down to blend in w/ its fellows.

    • Haha! My phone is technically ‘smart’, it just dies a lot. It’s probably too lazy / inept to plan a revolution, or even just a singular killing.

      I wish you well in your continued body hair dominance. Slay, queen, slaaaaaaay! x

  • Holy crap that’s horrific! But I shall take your misfortune as a cautionary tale to myself and back all my shit up… a second time :/ also my horoscope (Aquarius) about being time-fluid is basically a character portrait of my boyfriend so I seriously hope it doesn’t come true or we’re both screwed!! xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua | Food, Travel, Italy

    • Yep. Back up your shit in multiple places. Coz my external hard drive and computer hard drive which both had backed up shit on them from each other died to teach me a lesson in how bad things happen to me 😉

  • What the heck : You get some knotty hair around the nape of your neck. —-> This is so true! And though I’ve not yelled towards a fox I have yelled at my Tangle Teezer.

    I think June’s been rather unkind to most of us :/ Chin up Frankie! July will be so much better! x

    Honey x The Girl Next Shore

    • Knotty hair around my neck makes me more irrationally angry than almost anything else on earth! Except dying hard drives, obviously 😉