Rants and Whimsy

January 2015 Horoscopes

January 1, 2015


It’s 2015. It has finally arrived. We’re expecting Marty McFly along any moment now. Aside from that obvious prediction though, the future looks a little husky, so let’s delve into horoscope city and see what’s coming to greet us in January.

March 21 – April 19
You need a new hat. You will discover that something hideous and disgusting has happened to your current hat over the Christmas period, and it will become dead to you.

April 20 – May 20
If you actually went through the lost property at the pub you would find a lot of things that you haven’t actually realised you’ve lost yet.

May 21 – June 21
You will have one of those conversations where you mishear someone near the beginning of the talk so that when you carry on, you’re both talking about completely different things. Ergo, you spend a lot of time chatting shit.

June 22 – July 22
You will go ice skating. You will fall down and your hands will reach out to break your fall and some idiot will come WHIZZING past you, with their skates missing your outstretched fingers by mere millimeters. You will then spend the rest of the year reliving this terror.

July 23 – August 22
Cats will talk to you on the street. They will just run up to you and MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW. Some will also expect a belly rub.

August 23 – September 22
A squirrel will fall out of a tree and land on you. If you are using a selfie stick at the time this could be pretty epic.

September 23 – October 22
The cake won’t rise properly. But it will taste ok.

October 23 – November 21
You will bite your friend. There’s something wrong with you.

November 22 – December 21
You will damage the nail on one of your big toes. It’s going to be nasty. You’ll have to wear flip flops because anything with covered toes will be hurty.

December 22 – January 19
A letter will arrive from that person you angered on Christmas day, detailing all your despicable table manners. You will feed it to a goat.

January 20 – February 18
You will get a major ice cream headache, which is made much worse by the fact that it’s winter.

February 19 – March 20
You will post dramatic Facebook updates. I don’t know why. Nothing that happens to you is really that interesting.

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