Rants and Whimsy

January 2015 Horoscopes

January 1, 2015

Capricorn

It’s 2015. It has finally arrived. We’re expecting Marty McFly along any moment now. Aside from that obvious prediction though, the future looks a little husky, so let’s delve into horoscope city and see what’s coming to greet us in January.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
You need a new hat. You will discover that something hideous and disgusting has happened to your current hat over the Christmas period, and it will become dead to you.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If you actually went through the lost property at the pub you would find a lot of things that you haven’t actually realised you’ve lost yet.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will have one of those conversations where you mishear someone near the beginning of the talk so that when you carry on, you’re both talking about completely different things. Ergo, you spend a lot of time chatting shit.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You will go ice skating. You will fall down and your hands will reach out to break your fall and some idiot will come WHIZZING past you, with their skates missing your outstretched fingers by mere millimeters. You will then spend the rest of the year reliving this terror.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
Cats will talk to you on the street. They will just run up to you and MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW. Some will also expect a belly rub.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A squirrel will fall out of a tree and land on you. If you are using a selfie stick at the time this could be pretty epic.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
The cake won’t rise properly. But it will taste ok.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will bite your friend. There’s something wrong with you.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will damage the nail on one of your big toes. It’s going to be nasty. You’ll have to wear flip flops because anything with covered toes will be hurty.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A letter will arrive from that person you angered on Christmas day, detailing all your despicable table manners. You will feed it to a goat.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will get a major ice cream headache, which is made much worse by the fact that it’s winter.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will post dramatic Facebook updates. I don’t know why. Nothing that happens to you is really that interesting.

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  • This is HILARIOUS 😀 I hate ice skating so it’s safe to say mine won’t be becoming reality 😀 xx

    Gemma | Miss Makeup Magpie

    • That’s what you think. The constellations have spoken 😉 x

  • Ha! I love this. Chatting shit for the win! (And that legitimately sounds like something I’d do.) x

    • The conversation may be shit but at least you can make it fun with crazy talk x

  • This cracked me up becase mine said I’ll et an ice cream headache despite it being winter – all so spookily true given that I love ice cream moer than any food and had some last night – and had a headache!

    • I’m sorry I didn’t warn you in time! I’ll have to step up my soothsaying game 😉

  • haha I love it! As much as I wish I was a Leo, I think you’ve summed up my sad little life as a Pisces ;P x

    • Maybe you could run up to random cats on the street and MEEEEEEEOOOOOW!? Works for me 😉

  • Reblogged this on Style & Fashion.

  • Ha ha, brilliant! Apparently I need to get down to the pub’s lost property section

    Suze | LuxuryColumnist