Rants and Whimsy

January 2014 Horoscopes

January 1, 2014

I know you sit there with your generic magazine in hand. Sifting through until you reach the horoscope section, where you excitedly look for profound insight amongst the hazy prophecy on the page. “Someone will be upset” you read and then you spend hours deciphering this code, worrying if Aunty Martha’s fungal infection will return, or if it will simply be Bob from down the road going off about those rabid monkeys you accidentally released into the neighbourhood a couple of days ago….. Well no longer must you try to decipher, I have taken it upon myself to share my fantasmo future-reading skills and I will tell you almost exactly what the future has in store for you. Not exactly exactly, there will still be some surprise involved, as you look cute when you have your guessing face on. Here goes, I shall snap, crackle and pop my way into mysticism:

Aries
You will ram and break an expensive piece of equipment. You will then be hunted down and made to pay for it in blood, chocolate and frankincense.

Taurus
Your bullshitting skills are ace this month. Lie until you don’t know what’s what.

Gemini
You will meet two exciting new hotties. One of them has chlymidia. Good luck guessing!

Cancer
Don’t worry, it’s treatable. However, you have passed it onto several others. I recommend leaving town in shame.

Leo
You will be caught on tape shaving your excessive body hair in rather an awkward position. It will be a hit on YouTube. There is nothing you can do to prevent this, so try to look surprised.

Virgo
You are destined to have sex with someone who plays the banjo. I’m sorry.

Libra
You will turn to liposuction in a desperate bid to rid yourself of suspected extra fatty bulges. You will then use the bags of fat to develop your own special brand of lubricant.

Sagittarius
You will win the darts tournament down at the local pub. This will not only earn you a pack of salt and vinegar crisps but also the respect of the local drunks. This will be useful when you have a falling out with the local heroin addicts.

Scorpio
There is a really big bug living in your bed. Sometimes you’ll feel it crawling across your face at night.

Capricorn
You will be exceptionally horny this month. Enjoy it now, before the paternity headaches begin next month.

Aquarius
Somebody posing as a well wisher will throw you into a swimming pool. They will mean to embarrass you by it, but later when they realise that you had accidentally set yourself on fire at the time they will be viewed as a hero, much to your chagrin.

Pisces
You will order the fish and the resulting stinky breath will fend off any action you might have had a chance of getting.

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