I know I’m supposed to do these before the month actually begins, but this month I forgot. I sincerely apologise and I hope that previous few days haven’t been too surprising for you. The shock really isn’t good for you, especially if you’re the person who has the heart problem that shows itself around the 3rd. Oops. It’s probably too late for me to warn you, so let me just carry on and predict the future exploits of the people with a greater than 70% chance of making it through the rest of the month.
March 21 – April 19
You will win great riches and all your problems will be solved. You will be idyllically happy for a good 24 hours before all your new problems begin.
April 20 – May 20
You will accidentally set off a metal detector. In reaction to this you begin to strip off all your clothes to prove you’re not packing heat. The metal detector guy will curl up his nose and be all “you don’t have to get naked” and only then will you realise that you may have over-reacted.
May 21 – June 21
You will be caught reading a dirty story. Possibly one including tentacles. Maybe someone will read over your shoulder on the train. Maybe you’ll send a link to this filthy tale in a professional email. You may never actually find out that you’ve been caught, but rest assured you will be.
June 22 – July 22
Cats will learn how to bark and this will drive you insane. I suggest you try to make money from this by dressing the cats in question up as dogs and filming them chasing cars down the street, stuff like that.
July 23 – August 22
You will buy a bottle of wine and not like the taste. Instead of wasting the wine you will work hard to discover a way to make the wine drinkable. Fruit juices, spirits and spicy sauces will all be employed in this cocktail quest.
August 23 – September 22
You will write your name on a pure white hamster and it gets a little bit weird. Especially when people begin calling the hamster by your name and from that moment on you’re never quite sure if anyone is talking to you or talking to the hamster.
September 23 – October 22
You will accidentally stumble onto a movie set and the stunt squirrel will fly at you, exploding into a bloody mess upon impact. Jean-Claude Van Damme will be pissed, this was his big come back role and that stunt squirrel was expensive. Who knows if they’ll be able to get another one at short notice?
October 23 – November 21
You will begin saving for your retirement. As you don’t really have any extra money to put towards retiring you decide to begin stockpiling tea cosies, Werther’s Originals and doilies instead. At least it’s a start.
November 22 – December 21
You will like the smell of your new hair masque waaay too much and decide to sample some on a graham cracker. It tastes the same on the way back up.
December 22 – January 19
You will get drunk and order food to be delivered then forget about it. When the knock on the door arrives you will have fallen asleep on the couch. Being abruptly woken up makes you angry. Who could this be? You don’t recall inviting anyone over. You will stomp towards the door to give your mystery caller a piece of your mind, forgetting that you removed all of your lower garments while dancing shortly after ordering the food. The delivery guy sees all your delicate secrets. Every night from then on, you will receive a different food delivery from this grateful chap. Realistically, you should put a stop to this but free food does funny things to you.
January 20 – February 18
The big exciting thing happens to you but you won’t be able to tell anyone. Instead, you will tell a cat, who then tells another cat and so on and so forth. Cats will be giving you all the odd looks this month.
February 19 – March 20
You will teach a Mexican walking fish how to dougie.