Rants and Whimsy

Horoscopes, August 2015

August 1, 2015

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What the hell August. Who invited you here? What happened to July? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t through with July yet, but somehow August has crept in like it owns the place. Well, don’t start thinking you’ve got something on me, August! You may have surprised me this time, but this is where it stops. This is it. I know all of your secrets, August, and I’m going to tell the world!

Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will draw a cat and be really pleased with the result. Feel free to share this on Twitter, we’d all like to see it.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will go on holiday and come back to a big pile of junk mail. You will turn the junk mail into a creative air force of paper planes and dream about returning to whatever faraway paradise you just left.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will annoy and be annoyed by two people. One of these people had it coming. One is just a big misunderstanding and they didn’t actually eat your blueberry muffin. Calm down.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
There will be an accidental black eye in your future. I’m not sure if you’re giving or receiving, but now is the time to start planning pirate parties so you can hide behind the eye patch if necessary.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will invent a new kind of cake. All us non-Leos would just like to remind you that we’re your friends and we like cake. I’d like to say you’ve always been very generous with cake, but we all know that’s not true.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You know that Alanis Morissette song where she has ten thousand spoons and she needs a knife? Well, you have the opposite situation. Where did all your spoons go, man? Is your flatmate on the heroin? Just FYI, if you duct tape up a fork it still doesn’t make a very good spoon.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You know someone who has an exotic animal that they’re really not supposed to have in this country. Now, there’s going to be a slight escaping incident on your watch but it all is resolved with relative immediacy.  However, you do suspect it may have mated with a squirrel.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your upper arms are fabulous. Rock those short sleeves, you sexual beast, you. We’re also not opposed to seeing a little side boob, because you are a summer personifying rock star explosion.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
There’s a hunk of hair that gets cut off your head accidentally. You can probably cover it enough so that the average person won’t notice, but if you attempt to wear pigtails they will be unbalanced.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will chase that guy you vaguely know who’s quite funny for a block just to say hi. You’ve had a couple of wines at this point. When you catch up with him it’s not actually him but someone else and their girlfriend is not impressed with your two-wines-to-the-wind ramblings.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
That person who you thought you didn’t like is actually quite cool. Now you get to sit and feel ashamed about all the bad things you thought and things you said. It will be a summer of shame.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your shorts are very comfortable but they have a slight stain in the crotch. If you attempt to buy new ones they will be a bit too tight and make you feel frumpy, even though you bought the same size and style from the same store. It’s annoying, but you can’t really see the stain as long as you don’t bend over in anyone’s face. I know that’s kind of your party trick. Sorry.

 

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  • Your horoscope on Virgo made me laugh <3

    Serene | I Am Serene L

  • I’ll definitely be on the giving end of the black eye. I know you’re being a peacekeeping Astrologer here, but it’s OK to tell the truth: that black eye will not be accidental.

    • Hahaha, you sock it to em, Gianni! They had it coming.

  • adales8

    Sam and I totally had a mini-fight because I had a blueberry muffin that he took a bite out of while my back was turned. You are psychic! x

    • Hahaha…. except I’m supposed to be predicting the future, not the past…. drat.

  • I love making paper aeroplanes although I am not very good. Look forward to the holiday though I wonder where I am going Lucy x

    • You will have all the time in the world to practice!

  • I know right… WHO STOLE JULY?!

    New type of cake huh? Well, I do like to bake. Although I was kind of hoping somebody else would make ME cake seeing as it’s my birthday month and all…

    • Well, that would be nice. But it’s not in the stars. Sorry 😉

  • Jen

    Um, so, I may or may not have invented this new kind of cake already, but none of you can have any because I’M NOT SHARING!

    P.s. think these might be your most hilarious horoscopes yet. There was much laughing to myself on the bus.

    Jen x

  • I will share my cake with you because I can be generous, sometimes!