Rants and Whimsy

Horoscopes April 2015

April 2, 2015

Aries-01

Bloody April, where did you come from? You may notice I’m posting your monthly horoscopes on the second instead of the first. Lest you mistake these important snippets of information as April Fool’s pranks. These are not pranks, jokes or hijinks. These are incredibly serious and may even save your life. Or might save you from wetting your pants in public, which is probably why you’re here. Be seated. Your fortune is forthcoming.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
There will be some kind of lizard. It will scurry about, you will swear, then it will disappear into a corner somewhere and you will spend the next two weeks in terror of it reappearing. There is still the possibility that it watches you sleep.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will try and eat your five plus a day. You will vow to eat more green things. You will paint a pork chop green.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
Look, you’re going to fart in public but no one will really hear except that guy who’s a bit weird and what do you care what he thinks? Except that every time you see him from then on you’ll know that he knows your shameful secret and it will be awkward.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
You won’t have time to whine about or rail at amateur astrologers this month as you’ll be too busy having sex with all the wildly attractive people. There, Cancer. Are you frigging happy? You get all the horizontal good times, finally. Ok? OK?!

Leo
July 23 – August 22
Bra straps are your enemy. Especially those Courtney Stodden-esque clear ones. They will almost kill a hampster. Almost.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will get a little bit of vomit on your nice new shoes, but it will be that kind of urgent vomit that comes out your nose so it is a bit of a conversation starter.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will live to regret the photos taken this month.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
An elderly relative will eat the last tea cake and you had just been thinking that you might like to eat that. Voomph! It is gone. And with that you embark on a deadly battle of wits that will last for more years than you knew they had left in them.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Donkeys don’t necessarily make the noises you’d always expect them to make. Surprised face at the ready. You’ll need high eyebrows for this one.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will have a conversation with that guy on public transport who’s always there with a colleague or two and talks about Mad Men like other people haven’t seen it before and it’s just a new thing he discovered. As suspected, he’s a twat.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The batteries will run out in one remote, so you will take some from that other remote that you don’t use that much, thus creating a chain reaction of battery thievery that will leave you ultimately frustrated with many gadgets that don’t work properly.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will be allowed to stroke a strangers beard. Soak that experience up, it’s a keeper. One for the old memory bank.

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  • Now that you’ve told me that guy’s a twat surely I don’t need to bother talking to him now?! Yeah, I’ve really acclimatised to the Londoner’s ways and am now loathed to speak to anyone on public transport.

    • You don’t get to choose the conversations you have on public transport. They just happen to you 😉

  • I’m a Leo and bra straps really are my enemy. They’re so annoying! 😉

    • Yes. Yet somehow strapless bras seem to be even more annoying! How does this happen?

  • I must say, this isn’t my month, my new shoes wouldn’t appreciate the vomit 🙁 and I will be left cleaning it out while my better half is having fun horizontal times with attractive people. Oh well, you win some, you vomit on some.

    • Hahaha. At least you’ll have good conversations!

      • Frankie I don’t want to be disgusting on your page but I actually vomited this evening. You are more legit than you think, you should charge money for readings ha ha

        • It’s a gift. And I hope you feel much better soon. Watch out for your shoes x

          • I protected them, remembering what I had read in the morning Horoscopes, thank you.

  • adales8

    I’m doomed to fart in public this month- awkward! xx

    • Oops. Try not to feel to bad if no one stands next to you for the next couple of weeks 😉

  • Haha amazing.. I’m a cancer, so April’s gonna be fun 😀 xx

  • Yes. I’ve had trouble with your kind before. Ahem.

  • I will try and eat my greens, can’t guarantee but if I fail I can always paint them Lucy x

    • Exactly. Who says green food has to end at St Patrick’s Day?!

  • LOL Why did I just see this. I don’t think a horoscope counts if it was CLEARLY written to get someone off your back, hahaha.

    • Haha, tell me, exactly when does a horoscope count??? 😉

      • When it’s just vague enough that you can’t even be mad if it doesn’t apply to you exactly. There has to be room for both hope AND soul-crushing disappointment.

        • Haha. No. Out with the vague. That’s for the astrologer who doesn’t really know what she’s doing. I’m going balls to the wall here 😀