The other day I was reading Maria’s hilarious blog, the “Embarrassing Would You Rather Tag” and decided to blatantly steal the format for The Mayfairy for two reasons:
a) I remember doing these kinds of quizzes in email format back in high school. Much fun was had
b) I am notoriously bad at these blatant ‘choose one or the other’ type situations. Once, near Oxford Street, a group of male tourists stopped me to ask me some questions, and told me I could only say one word answers and had to answer as quick as I could. Their first question? “Selfridges or Harrods?” My answer? “Well, it depends if you actually want to go shopping or if you just want to do some tourist stuff and laugh about £500 umbrellas”. This was not the kind of answer they wanted. I got yelled at in the street. Sorry for trying to be balanced, guys.
So here’s my shot at rectifying this glaring character flaw. I’m using the same questions as Maria, even though there were other ones available with a simple Google search. I’m lazy like that….
1. Would you rather have running eyeliner all the way to your cheeks or lipstick on your teeth?
I’ve unfortunately had personal experience with both. Lipstick on my teeth is the winner. Waaaaaay easier to fix in a hurry than the eyeliner, doesn’t require redoing your foundation and powder, and will probably go away on its own anyway the next time you eat something. I’m always eating something. Yay for being a hungus!
2. Would you rather have toilet paper sticking out of your skirt or a Cheeto in your hair?
*Googles what a Cheeto is*
Oh god, yes, Cheeto in hair. That’s just a handy snack for later. I don’t even want to think about what the toilet paper has attached itself to…
3. Would you rather accidentally fart loudly on a date or in a job interview?
Date. I’ve never dated, but the answer is obviously date. If you end up in a relationship with the person you’re dating they’re going to end up hearing you toot anyway, whereas you can go years with an employer and never have them wonder once about your breezy behind. Even if it’s really big and loud it’s probably just going to make your tits jiggle, so win-win.
4. Would you rather have nude pictures leaked on the internet or have your browser history displayed on Facebook?
This is difficult. Anytime I make a weird internet search I usually Facebook/Twitter about my findings. I don’t have a lot of secrets in that department. But maybe it would get annoying to have everyone knowing and commenting. What kind of nude photos? Did I get them taken professionally, and do I look fabulous? Are we talking Kim Kardashian in Paper or secret video of me shaking my arse while doing my makeup after I get out of the shower? Now you know why my eyeliner’s never straight. Can’t decide.
5. Would you rather your boss/teacher or your crush overhear you talk badly about them with someone?
I have a husband. Trust me, anything bad I’m saying about him to someone else he already knows about. He’s heard it. So him. The Boss scenario is just all kinds of awkward and professionally stunting.
6. Would you rather meet Chris Hemsworth and accidentally spit on his face while talking or accidentally spill your drink on him and ruin his shirt?
I’m Chris Hemsworth indifferent. How much spit? A glob? Or just a spittle? Is Chris Hemsworth the kind of guy who’ll throw a strop and force me to buy him a new shirt? I don’t wanna be buying someone a new designer shirt, so if that’s the case you’re getting a spittle, Chris. Promise I don’t have cooties. Or ebola.
7. Would you rather be invited to give a speech at the Oscars and accidentally burp in the microphone or accidentally trip on your own dress, falling and tearing it in half?
I wanna rip my dress. Not like I’d ever be wearing it again anyway, and I think the subsequent memes would be kinder to me in this scenario. Also, I have enough sartorial confidence in myself to figure that I could rock this scenario. My tits don’t fall out, right?!
8. Would you rather fall at the VMS and land with your hand on Beyonce’s boob or fall and land with your hand on Nicki Minaj’s butt?
Nicki Minaj’s butt seems like it would offer greater stability. I’m not having great luck at awards shows, am I? Might just stay home and watch them in tights and big woolly socks.
9. Would you rather go to a charity fundraiser gala in sweatpants or go to the event in a bikini?
Sweatpants. I could just pretend I was working behind the scenes and sneak canapés fresh from the kitchen all night. People would eventually ignore me. The bikini situation requires being the awkward centre of attention and I’d have to get a spray tan at the very least. Who can be bothered.
10. Would you rather everyone at work read your text messages or your parents read your texts with your crush?
My parents can read whatever the hell they want. I’m old enough to be boring now. I doubt my co-workers would find much interesting either, but correspondence with my husband is mainly about where I’m meeting him, what time, and if the train is running late. No brainer.
That’s it. You should do this, lovely reader type person. You’re hilarious. Please share that talent!