Bad song lyrics

Bad song lyrics: Wives and lovers

January 14, 2016

I’ve done a few of these “bad song lyric” break downs and I was surprised to realise that I hadn’t already plucked this low hanging fruit. This song is the obvious choice for sarcastic commentary. Lots of people have sung it, lots of people have bitched about it. Here’s my addition to the general feeling ofย  WTF

Hey, little girl
Comb your hair, fix your make-up
Soon he will open the door

What if there’s a sudden gust of wind when he opens the door and it fucks my hair all over again? Didn’t think of that, did you?! May as well not bother. (Side note, why the hell am I home first, anyway?)

Don’t think because
There’s a ring on your finger
You needn’t try any more

You think people (that’s women by the way, we’re people) are doing their hair just for the sake of jewellery? Coz you can save up for jewellery. Sure, it may take a year long installment plan for the piece you want but at least it doesn’t come with a lifetime supply of douchebag.

For wives should always be lovers, too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I’m warning you

You know what, I’m all for a hug when someone arrives home. London transport is brutal. Sometimes I need a hug too when I get home.

Day after day
There are girls at the office
And men will always be men

Damn straight there are girls at the office. There are girls on the train, in the shops and in the world in general too. That’s the life we’re living. Men will always be men. Girls will be girls, douchebags will always be douchebags and short billed dowitchers will always be short billed dowitchers. I’m not sure what all this has to do with me, unless you’re insinuating that I married a douchebag. Frankly I’d be more likely to marry a short billed dowitcher. (They have moderately long pale legs, you know, and that seems to be my type).

Don’t send him off
With your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again

You may not know this about me, but this is actually my second marriage. The first time around I was married to a guy who just didn’t come home after work one day and I obviously figured he’d been strategically killed by the KGB, or had fallen down a well or something. Now I’ve just figured it all out! The curlers! That’s what drove him away, to never darken my doorway again! I better call the police and have them close up that cold case.

For wives should always be lovers, too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
He’s almost here

Seriously, how much do you have to hate curlers to just leave the house on a whim, abandon all of your personal possessions and never return? Forgo life as you know it, just so you don’t have to face the reality that your wife doesn’t have naturally curly hair? Couldn’t you have just married a curly haired girl in the first place?

Hey, little girl
Better wear something pretty
Something you’d wear to go to the city

Fuck, are we supposed to dress up to go to the city now? How dressed up is dressed up? Is this why I’m not a rich banker? Is it? I just figured it was my lack of financial qualifications…

And dim all the lights
Pour the wine, start the music
Time to get ready for love

Wait a goddamn minute here. I’m dimming the lights and getting him drunk? Why the hell did I need to put on all that make up? Men aren’t going to notice that shit if it’s dark, I’m in crotchless knickers and I’m shoving wine down his throat. Have you ever met a man? Have you?

Oh, time to get ready,
Time to get ready
Time to get ready
For love.

Getting ready on time has never been my strong suit. Sorry.ย  Looks like I’m getting drunk with a short billed dowitcher again.

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  • Tammy Paterson

    Haha I love these bad song lyrics. You actually had me going there for a minute when you said this was your second marriage! I was like ‘aye? how did I miss that?’ lol .
    Those darn curlers.

  • *crying*

  • Jeez, I can’t bring myself to read the rest of this. Not your words but the lyrics. Wow we’ve come a long way since the 60s…or have we?

    • I can’t imagine growing up being surrounded by this. I would have been such an angsty bitch. I mean, I already am, but more so.