Bad song lyrics, Rants and Whimsy

Bad song lyrics: Hero

October 14, 2014

Have you ever listened to the radio? Of course you have. I’m guessing you’ve also allowed yourself to listen to a large variety of songs and if you’re anything like me you’ve discovered that the public will pretty much accept any kind of tosh being blurted to them over radio waves as long as it’s done tunefully and by relatively good looking people. It doesn’t even have to be that tuneful if the people are really ridiculously good looking.

This situation is utterly bizarre, and I’m only too willing to point out the ludicrous nonsense being spouted to us through the medium of song in a new series that I would like to call “Bad Song Lyrics”. It’s not terribly creative, but it’s short and to the point, which is more than we can say about some of these corkers. The first song I pick on will be Hero by Enrique Iglesias. Because why the hell not?

The stuff in bold is the crazy Enrique wrote. The stuff not in bold is the crazy I wrote. Enjoy.

Hero

Let me be your hero

Would you dance
If I asked you to dance?

I don’t know, Enrique, I think we need some context here. Are you asking me to dance with you, or for you? The second would be ok if I’m a stripper and I’m at work, otherwise it’s bound to be pretty uncomfortable, especially if I’m just at a bus stop or something, you know, trying to catch the 472 and go about my day. But if we’re at a party where dancing is happening and you offer me the chance the cut a few shapes with you on the d-floor it’s possible I’d agree to such a thing.

Would you run
And never look back?

Well, yeah. If I am in the bus stop situation described above and some strange man keeps asking me to dance I may finally deduct that running for my life is the only option left to me. I’d probably try to politely turn you down first though, before then trying to rudely turn you down. Frankly shit’s getting real if I have to start running.

Would you cry
If you saw me crying?

Why are you crying? Have you stubbed your toe? Is somebody close to you ill? Have you been chopping onions without the aid of running water? Generally I don’t just burst into tears at the sight of a grown man sobbing without any further information. Sorry. Unless this is because you’re still upset that I wouldn’t dance for you at the bus stop. Then I’m not sorry.

And would you save my soul, tonight?

No. That’s just not my line of work. You’re probably after a priest or some other purveyor of religion. Unless you’re just really bad at spelling. In that case you want a cobbler. There’s one in Bond Street station, but I don’t think they open at nights.

Would you tremble
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.

Why the hell are you touching my lips? Who does that? Have you at least washed your hands first? If we’ve formed some sort of rapport by now and I’m used to your weird shit, then yes, I may laugh. However, if you’re still just the guy who harasses me at bus stops then the trembling option seems more apt. Please stop. You’re scaring me.

Now would you die
For the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

Is this a threat? No? Well I don’t really know the answer. Maybe. It depends on the circumstance. Are you assuming that you’re the one I love? Because you’ve just spent the last 30 seconds being really weird. I’m a little concerned. And no, I’m not going to hold you tonight. You seem quite large and I don’t want a dead arm. Seriously, I’m better as the little spoon.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

What? I need a hero now? Is because of the tricky situation I’ve got myself into where I need to die for the one I love? I wish you’d tell me more about that. It would help me to make an informed decision about whether to call the police or not. I’m also wondering what you’re planning to do in order to deserve the title of ‘hero’. You’ve already told us that this situation is so serious that death (my own) could be a possibility. You’re currently offering to ‘kiss away the pain’. Sorry, but that doesn’t very heroic to me. At best it sounds somewhat comforting, yet ultimately useless. Please try harder.

Would you swear
That you’ll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?

Well, is running and hiding a viable option? I’d rather run and hide than die, to be quite honest. I doubt I’d swear to always be yours. So far my attachment to you has only proven to jeopardise my life and make my time on public transport reasonably uncomfortable. I would appreciate any hiding tips you have though, I’ve never done this before.

Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don’t care…
You’re here tonight.

This is very possible. You do seem to be having some sort of mental breakdown. In reality I’d appreciate some distance between us as I don’t feel like you’re bringing anything positive into my life, though I would be willing to accompany you to the nearest mental health facility. I don’t want bad things to happen to you, but you need to understand that I’m only here tonight because I want to catch the 472 and this is the designated space we have to catch the 472 from. That’s how bus stops work. Please don’t go reading any cosmic love destiny shizz into this.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

We’ve discussed this.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don’t care…
You’re here tonight.

We’ve discussed this, too. Though I’m glad you’re coming with me on the little spoon thing.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

Ok, now you’re just repeating yourself. Give me your email address. I’ll send you an in depth definition of the word ‘hero’ and you can discuss it with your therapist. Maybe you two can figure out where you’re going wrong.

All the best.

Love, Frankie.

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