Rants and Whimsy

August 2016 Horoscopes

July 30, 2016

The Mayfairy Leo-01

Ok summer is happening are we all wearing sun screen? I hope we are because I wouldn’t like to see you burnt.

Are we all fed up of going to weddings every weekend? No?  Well there’s still another month left to go.

Here’s a little heads up as to what’s ahead.

Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will accidentally sit on an ice cream on the bus. A dog will lick your bottom. It will tickle.

Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will get some helium and fall in love with the high voice it gives you. Your whole Snapchat will be helium voiced hilarity.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
You will wear an uncomfortable shoe. You will cover your foot in plasters and band aids and what not until it heals. This will become known as “bandage chic” and it will be all the rage until September. You will be a trend setter.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Someone steals your thunder. You have a huge announcement to make, but that person you secretly despise becomes internet famous all because of a duck, and it all makes your thing seem a little lacklustre.

Leo
July 23 – August 22
You will lie on the floor. All is normal until you see that thing you thought you lost a while ago. It’s wedged under the couch. Your life will change irreparebly.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will have an ear ache. You will ram an ice lolly into your ear to soothe the pain. Later on someone will nibble on your earlobe in a rather sexy fashion and will notice that it tastes of pineapple.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will find out that a friend of  yours owns a gun. You will draw daisies on this gun. Rather audacious of you. This could go any which way. Good luck.

Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will wear knee high socks and it will go badly. Feet will sweat. Feet will smell. Sexy people will avoid you.

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will be given 500 of the local currency and you will waste it in the pursuit of Pokemon.

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will kiss the next beautiful person you see. They will taste like tikka masala.

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You bought those shoes and you’re going to wear them dammit. Even if you can’t find the perfect outfit to match. You’re just going to have to make it work.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will wear a coat with elbow patches and someone will mistake you for the Professor of Agricultural Marketing, specialising in Mozzarella. This probably isn’t a real thing, but why would you correct them when there’s a possibility of a good cheesy story to tell.

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  • unlikely!Pokemon isn’t my thing. but I do need a new swimsuit for the pool for the winter:))

    • Hey, I just see the future. I can’t explain it XD

  • Uh oh… wait, it this one of those weird Internet click bait articles where the writer wants to discover your personal details & stalk you through various London watering holes where you wreak revenge by putting house wine in a tasty glass of sauv?

  • Good thing I didn’t take the bus. Though having ice cream wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

    • Haha, just helping you to plan ahead 😉

      • Thank goodness I never take the bus. I’ll just eat ice cream at home from now on.

  • adales8

    Bandage chic is legitimately something that would happen to me! x

  • Sounds like I need to choose my friends better – you never know what people have lying around their house these days!! And clearly it’s rubbing off on me too, I’m literally playing with flowers xx

    • Haha, I’m sure it will work out all right in the end 😉

  • I’m not sure my voice can get any higher – I’ll have to see what the helium brings. Probably snapchats that only small children and dogs can hear! 🙂 I love these posts, they make me chuckle so much.

  • Even with the impending thievery of my thunder, I’m pretty excited about having news to share in the first place. Even if duckface steals my thunder with the humans, Neal and Choko will listen to my announcement. I’ll bask in their congratulatory purring… as soon as they get off YouTube.