Christmas is a time to travel to see family, old friends, newish friends who are quite clingy and insist on seeing you even though you are madly busy, and to party hard with people you would never party with at any other time of the year.
We shall probably all meet new people on these seasonal adventures, or maybe just see the people we knew already in a completely different light. Either way, here are the five people you’ll meet this Christmas. (Lists of five are kind of my thing)
1. The guy who shows you inappropriate photos on his phone
He’s drunk, you’re drunk, you’re bonding and giggling yet still keeping it dignified and professional. Then all of a sudden, IN YOUR FACE, oh, so those are the fake tits of the girl you met on Tinder. Great. Very grapefruit like. I don’t know where the conversation goes from here…
2. The lonely person who wants to be hooked up with a friend, but you can’t
Ok I get it. You’re single. That friend of mine is also single. And hot. You think this should make my next move obvious. However, I know you’re single because you act like a douche canoe in relationships. I’m able to maintain a peaceful relationship with you because there’s no romantic entanglement here, but I’ve watched you screw over ever lover you’ve had in the past. I actually like my friend, they’re too good for you, but we can’t have that conversation, so this is getting awkward…
3. The person who needs a Christmas present, but how was I supposed to know?!
Oh, you’re here… Did I know you were coming? No? You just turned up. For a drink. Ok. Fine. Wait, you have a present for me? Like, a proper one? You’re not just buying me a drink at the local, you’re actually giving me that professionally gift wrapped parcel? Oh, hold on I’ll go get yours. No, it’s not under the tree, we kept yours in that special place… it um, needed to be kept in the fridge.. because it’s…. this bottle of Prosecco! Wait, the name tag fell off, let me just fix that, oooh look over there the neighbour is doing that interesting thing *FUCK WHERE IS THE PEN?!*.
Note to self: buy more Prosecco.
4. The overly opinionated person who is no help whatsoever
Why is that there? I don’t like that. Do we have to go there? No, I don’t have any better suggestion, but let’s not go there. Do this. Make that. Please me. Waaaaaah waaaaaah waaaaaah.
Thank you for the wonderful post it note based epistle describing the faults with the bauble display, my mock Christmas pudding trifles and the weather. I would really love to drop everything and rectify the transgressions you’ve thoughtfully listed, instead I’m going to shove this big ball of tinsel in your fat, bitching mouth. Ho, ho, ho.
5. The overly opinionated person who is desperately trying to be helpful
Someone has told him that you do social media. That someone has now thrown themselves out of a seventh story window in order to get away, leaving him with no other option than to make a beeline for you. “Let’s talk business! I have a Twitter account too”
Yes. I’m sure your 17 followers really enjoy that. Great, now I’m expected to be number 18. Maybe now you’ll look at my page and realise I’ve been doing this for a while and don’t need your intricate explanation of how the mentions tab works and how I should be utilising it. Oh, no, obviously I still do need that. Do I think you should set up an automated DM for all new followers? Yeah, why not. No one follows you anyway, but maybe if they knew they’d be getting a snazzy new DM with every click that would all change. Where’s that seventh story window at?
Merry Christmas, all. I’m a grinch.