Joy and Gluttony

5 Foods That Need To Try Harder

June 19, 2014

Fresh from the revelation that I didn’t actually schedule in yesterday’s blog, and it’s still in drafts, I bring to you today’s blog. Yesterday was manic. And now I’ll basically just post yesterday’s blog next week, so that cuts down on my work for next week. #TheLazyIdiotsGuideToBlogging

Anyway, much like me as a blogger, these following footstuffs need to try harder. They’re just not doing it for me. I’m not the biggest of people. I can’t really eat horrendous amounts. If I do eat too much I feel ill and end up rolling around on the floor groaning at passersby. True story. So, to avoid this discomfort I find myself eating a reasonable amount. Which means that I need to pick well when it comes to food.

Am I the only person who feels a disappointment verging on anger when they are forced to eat lack lustre food? Usually due to social convention. That old chestnut gets me every time. I just consider lack lustre food to be wasted calories, as when left to my own devices, I could be chowing down on something amazing. With cheese.

So, here are my top 5 foods that disappoint me. Please try harder, random foodstuffs.

1. Boiled Sweets
Does anyone actually buy boiled sweets for themselves? Ever? And if you do, are you under the age of 85? Because if so, I don’t believe you. Boiled sweets are the kind of guff dished out to you by people who have promised you sweets, gotten you excited, and then wish to send you plummeting to the doldrums of disappointment with the cruel practical joke that is ‘boiled sweets’. Stop giving me boiled sweets, please. Even the brightly coloured ones are just leaving me disillusioned and despondent.

2. Chilli Ice Cream
I may have spoken about this before. Have you ever tried chilli ice cream? It’s a bit of a gimmick ice cream, and it REALLY pisses me off. I had it with some kind of hot chocolate fudge pudding. Maybe a dreaded fondant. So, if you have ever eaten steaming hot chocolate pudding with a side of ice cream, you should be able to relate to this. You take a bite of spongey chocolate. So far so good. You take a bit of molten chocolate from the gooey centre. Good, good, good, oh god it’s hot it’s hot it’s hot. No worries. You have a side of icecream. You can restore the balance of temperature inside of your mouth. Enter the ice cream. Your brain expects cool and calming. It starts off that way. And then, just before total satisfaction is reached, the bastard starts heating up as the chilli kicks in and everything ends up hotter than before. I’ll say it again. This ice cream pisses me off. It makes me re-examine everything I know about ice cream. If you are using ice cream as a cooling agent, menu makers out there, use regular ice cream. Not ice cream with a hidden fireball surprise just waiting to destroy your faith in the world.

3. Luncheon with peas and carrots
We all know what this is. We shouldn’t. But we all do. Luncheon meat is usually one of those things best enjoyed by children, as it’s fairly bland and boring. Kids go for that schtick. But who’s the wise arse who decided to go around putting peas and freaking carrots in the luncheon meat?! That is foul, disgusting and uncalled for. It baffles the mind. I know that it can be difficult to convince children to eat vegetables. But frankly, if your kids are relying on luncheon meat to receive their 5 plus a day, your kids are getting scurvy. It’s that simple.

4. Nestle Quality Street
Oooooh, I saw you bristle then, English people. Surely, you’re thinking to yourself, this crazy bitch can’t be about to go off on one about this delightful bastion of chocolatey goodness. Well, I’m actually on your side, good people. Recently, a co-worker came back from a trip abroad with a selection of chocolate destined for my office desk. I was so excited I tweeted about it. Here.

As I’m not the only person in the damn office, I couldn’t keep all of the chocolate to myself. So I very magnanimously gave the box of Quality Street to the room full of people beside me. They were creaming themselves with joy. Until, of course, they opened the box. There were no purple chocolates. No green chocolates. At all. There was one Orange Crunch, and one Caramel Cup. Just to recap, we were totally missing Hazelnut in Caramel, Milk Chocolate Chunk, and Noisette Triangle. Anarchy broke out. Turmoil was the word of the day. If you’ve never seen the havoc created when English people are denied a green triangle, I recommend that you avoid it at all costs.

They came to me to complain. Not exactly my fault, as the box was sealed when it left my desk, but apparently I’m some sort of chocolate oracle in the office, and I’d know what to do. Well, stop complaining to me, for a start. Start complaining to Nestle. So I did. Because I’m the social media person. Nestle eventually got back to me and promised a “gesture of goodwill”. Whatever that is.

Want to know what that is? A cheque for £3. Yes, a frigging cheque. Like it’s 1952 or something. I’ll probably have to pay bank fees to claim the 3 freaking pounds. I have an office of triangle fiends, breathing down my neck, waiting for something glorious to appear, and now I have to figure out how to share £3 between them. And yes, I have to do it because the cheque is addressed to me. They weren’t even my chocolates! Thanks for the hassle, Nestle. FYI, the box of Quality Street cost €9. Couldn’t you have just sent a handful of green triangles??? It would have been a better gesture. This ‘gesture’ basically suggests that you think I’m lying. I find that offensive and distasteful.

Also, the letter from Vicky Whitelock at Nestle’s Contact Centre, states “As stated on the index, occasionally, due to circumstances beyond our control, it may be necessary to replace one or more of the variety with other of equally high quality”. Seriously. You replaced purples and greens with these:

Bar

That’s not “equally high quality”. Those pale in comparison when compared to purples and greens. Seriously. Next time you try this, try putting a sticker on every box stating “no purples and greens” and see how many you sell. Thank you for the £3, but an apology and an ongoing commitment to greens and purples would have been better.

5. The toffee penny
And while I’m on one, why is this still included? Is there anyone in the world who eats this relic of a bygone era first? Every box of Quality Street I’ve ever encountered is always loaded with these at the end, because nobody wants them. Sometimes they sit around for months before someone gets desperate enough to eat them, or, alternatively, so annoyed by the sight of them that they biff them out.

Toffee Penny

Does anyone like these? Seriously, if you do, I’ll send you some. Consider it a gesture of goodwill.

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  • I’m totally with you on these. Especially Quality Street and Roses (do they even still exist? Maybe it’s just Quality Street these days). they must know that no one really likes those toffee ones, and yet they still insist on putting them in. People pay money on a product, half of which no one even wants to eat! Ludicrous.

    • Thank you! Solidarity. And leaving out purples and greens is just blasphemous.