Rants and Whimsy

3 People Who Are Terrible In Restaurants

April 13, 2015

I work with restaurants. I visit lots of restaurants. I talk with loads of folks who work in the restaurant business. I also have a fairly realistic grip on the fact that a good number of humans dwelling with us on this planet are utter pricks. So today I’m going to talk about three of the terrible restaurant stories I know. This is by no means a definitive list, but it’s worth opening your eyes about some of the pricky behaviour that happens so that maybe we can all band together and fling a bread roll or 12 at the next wanker who tries some of this shit.

1. The Disgusting Piggy
Now, I’m a woman and I only ever visit the women’s bathroom facilities these days, but I’m sure plenty of horrific things happen in the gents. Today though, I’m bitching at the ladies who don’t know how to dispose of their tampons. Yuh huh. If you think throwing your used, bloody tampon on the ground in front of the toilet then just leaving the scene is appropriate you should not be allowed to leave the house. You definitely shouldn’t be allowed into nice restaurants.

There’s a sanitary bin right beside you for god’s sake. If you don’t want to touch that you could at least flush it. We all know you’re not supposed to flush it, but – let’s be real – we’ve all flushed one. There’s no need to fling it around like an animal.

Maybe this repulsive creature was trying to make a statement to the staff about bad service or an undercooked sausage or something. Lack of ketchup, maybe. Well, there’s no guarantee that the poor bastard who has to clean up your mess will be the same bastard who maligned you and if no one understands the politics behind your bloody stance the tactic  has failed. Use your words next time. Or stay home.


2. The Window Keeper
You got the window seat, huh? You wanna do some people watching? Well, the thing about people watching is that you get very little say in which people you get to watch. You don’t own all of the space directly in front of the window, so let’s not pretend like you do. The other day my husband was casually standing near a restaurant, waiting for someone and BANG BANG BANG. Two mad bitches in the window seat behind him started pounding on the glass like rabid chimpanzees demanding he move away so they could see the world go by again. So he moved to the other available standing spaces; doorways, delivery spaces and the road. As none of these were really appropriate he was constantly moving, but the window bitches got to maintain their view of the road sweeper and the Chinese guy who came out to smoke in his doorway.

For the record, my husband wasn’t levitating 40 floors above street level in front of Duck and Waffle. These bitches didn’t choose that restaurant for the frigging view, they were just being pricks. I get that you’re paying for a meal, ladies. You aren’t paying for everyone in the outside world to pander to your bullshit demands. I’ve a good mind to invoice those cows.


3. The Entitled Blogger
I use the term blogger relatively loosely here, it’s just as likely to be a twat with a Trip Advisor account. Writing restaurant reviews is a fine thing and you’re perfectly entitled to do so. Waltzing into a restaurant and loudly declaring that you have a Trip Advisor account so they better be nice to you is something quite different. You’ve wandered into the territory of the egotistical douche when you start pulling that shit. Even if you do it with a smile on your face and it’s just a little ‘joke’ with the waitress, we can all read the subtext: “gimme free stuff and make me feel like King of the world or I’ll write nasty things about you on the internet”. Oh, you want the £10 lunch special with a side of blackmail, huh? The number of people with the nerve to try this on is truly startling.

The other breed are the ones who don’t even set foot in the restaurant, or even intend to dine. They just tweet or email the restaurant demanding free stuff or massive discounts for the purposes of review because they’re a blogger. They’re pretty much always brand new bloggers with a domain authority of one, 10 twitter followers, and a snarky about page detailing how they’re extremely hard to please and they like to tear restaurants apart for the tiniest of perceived infractions. Oh wow, do you know how to win a marketing team over.

These pricks are giving all decent bloggers a bad name. If you’re reading this and you’re indignant that I’m getting the occasional free meal to write about on my blog and you’re thinking about climbing aboard the gravy train, know this: I didn’t ask for any of it. The PRs and the Zomatos of the world came to me.

If I were to go to a brand and ask for freebies for my blog I’d actually take the time to work out a proper pitch. With numbers, statistics and reasons why the brand would benefit from working with me. Including the fact that this blog has been going for a lot longer than a month and it actually has followers. I wouldn’t going marching in with entitled strop slopping down my chin, greedily demanding the world on a plate. You shouldn’t either.

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  • Throughout uni I worked in an O2 Academy and (especially after student nights) the worst stories always came from the girl’s toilets. One in particular springs to mind.

    Also I have zero time for blaggers. All kinds of blogs have them and they are on the increase. People should blog for the passion and joy of it, rather than for the freebie or the assumed “power”!

    • Yup. Those freebies aren’t all that ‘free’. A lot of work goes into it if you are a blogger with a following, I don’t think the newbies realise that. Frankly if they’re blogging just for freebies they need some new magic beans, coz this ain’t your cash cow! 😀

      • Exactly! It’s also so easy to pick them out, from the quality of the content to the type of posts they do etc. It all just looks so unnatural.

        • I suppose a lot of them give up when their first few demands aren’t met…

  • Tampons on the floor? Bleurgh! And I thought people who failed to flush/peed on the seat were bad!

    • They also suck. Some people are just next level pricks 😉

  • adales8

    Twitter is also a crazy perpetuator of the last one! xx

    • I actually cringe while watching it happen on Twitter. Ugh.

  • LondonKiwiEmma

    Frankie, I don’t even have words – who are these people!?

    • I wish I knew. I’d leave them a strongly worded note. Then I’d run and hide because bitches be cray. :p

  • Making a statement about undercooked sausage? Bahahaha. That is the absolute worst. Those chicks sitting in the window had a lot of nerve. Mark should carry a sign that says “the fuck outta here” in his pocket for situations like that.

    • He claims to have glared at them. He has this habit of being nice to people, even the douchenozzles of the world! (It’s probably why he puts up with me, so I shouldn’t complain!)

  • Slightly off topic, but don’t you just love Trip Advisor reviews…the ones that make me laugh say things like ‘It rained…the hotel was terrible’… I used to work for a hotel company and someone complained that the hot water in the shower steamed up the mirror. Come on people!!! Another funny one I saw recently was a Zomato review for a restaurant in South Africa they said ‘The food was excellent, totally faultless but as it was so expensive, I’m giving it 1 out of 5! There are no words….
    Lots of love,

    • Haha, you should write a post about nutters in hotels, it would be amazing! I hate the reviews that are all “It was AMAZING, the food was delicious, such a fun place, the staff were all really nice to me, such a great night” then put the rating at 3/5. What the hell is that??!

  • Shikha (whywasteannualleave)

    Seriously, do numbers 1 and 2 actually happen?!? And I’ve heard about number 3 but never witnessed it. Just because you happen to have a TA account or write a blog, you’re not the flipping Queen of England or President of the USA. it sort of reminds me of some of beauty counter ladies who judge you as you walk past just because you happen to wear jeans and pumps and haven’t got 8 inches of foundation on!!

    • Yes, 1 and 2 happened. Insanity, I tell ya. I’ve also witnessed 3. Not pretty at all!

  • hahah this is brilliant (although No1. maybe shouldnt be described as brilliant.)! Your rants are the best!

    • The rants are fun. The people who inspire them… not so much 😀

  • Hahaha, oh my goodness! These are SO spot on! Particularly the first and last ones, whereas the middle one isn’t something I’ve experience but doesn’t make it any less ridiculous!

    • I hope you never have to experience it. But if you do, I hope you’re wearing a cape and you spread your wings like Batman! 😉

  • I have however always wanted to use the words ‘Don’t you know who I am’. Except that recipient of said sentence would probably go ‘Err no, who are you’ and I’d have to mumble something about how you think I’m a food god…

    • If you want, you can choose a restaurant and I’ll sit in there minding my own business and you can arrive 10 mins later and loudly declare “Don’t you know who I am?!” If they look puzzled I’ll jump up an scream “OMG it’s food god!” and faint. That’ll get them going.

      • LondonKiwiEmma

        PLEASE do this & let me be part of the awestruck audience…

      • Hahahaha! Please make sure I’m there if you’re doing this. Must.See.This. LMAO!

  • Done! I’ll then ever so graciously sign autographs and buy you dinner to buy your silence 🙂

  • Amen to this sister! And gosh, I know those annoying dicks on point no. 2. There have been a few that I ran into and I just flipped my finger at them. As for no. 3, I have seen those myself but I do hope the cook spit in their food, hate people who feels they are entitled to everything.

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

    • Haha, they deserve it! It’s weird, how do people suddenly reach this level of entitlement?!

  • EEEEEW tampons on the floor :S I’ve seen worse, un-flushed toilets with shit literally all over & flooded up with tissues! Seriously some people are just filthy!

    Serene xoxo


    • That is hideous, but the thing with the tampon is that it seems more deliberate… ugh.

      • Absolutely! I don’t understand why people are so unhygienic! 😐 They wouldn’t do that at their own homes! Why do it elsewhere!!!! x

  • OH my god. Hahaha @ “For the record, my husband wasn’t levitating 40 floors above street level in front of Duck and Waffle. These bitches didn’t choose that restaurant for the frigging view…” Stupid, disgusting and egotistical people are everywhere though. When I worked in retail women would piss on the dressing room floor…. in one of the nicest malls in Florida… Then you would get the people that would lift their hands in the air and snap to get the attention of an associate… gah, if that doesn’t make you wanna kick someone in the jugular, I don’t know what would!

    • Oh god, where do these people grow up that it’s acceptable to behave like that? I once had a woman I was working for whistle at me like a farm dog. That was hideous.

      • Yeah, those are the ones you look dead in the eye and then turn your back on and walk away from…

  • I am sure you read minds, sitting nodding at all. Number one is girls in public toilets are like animals. One animal disposes of a tampon on the floor and more naturally follow disgusting. I do wonder what their homes look like gross. Number three I hate this crap, you blog, you have a Twitter account, trip advisor account you still have manners use them. Nothing in life is a rights you have to work and earn it Lucy x

    • It’s amazing how gross so many people are. I thought I was lazy and messy… but def. not at this level!

  • We’ve talked about this before but number 3 is just crazy. I genuinely don’t know what to do when I’m asked to review somewhere lol. As for 1 and 2?! Well that’s just gross. And mental. And mentally gross. Blech…

    • Haha, we can never talk about it too much!

      • First world problems right? Oh no what do I do when someone offers me free food!